Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
