Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Girls should come with a carfax report
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
