We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
