Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
