im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
