yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
