If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
