before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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