he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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