dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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