my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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