Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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