It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
