u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
