If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
