I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
