I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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