someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
