Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
