Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
