Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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