You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
