Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
