You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
