Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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