The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
