the condom got lost in my hair
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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