Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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