Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
