Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
