If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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