Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
