Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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