Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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