I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
