Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
