If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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