when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
