do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
