I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
