What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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