Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she told me i tasted like america
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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