so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
