Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
