I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize