wakey wakey hands off snakey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
