My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
