so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
