I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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