Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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