We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
