Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
